Notes on the my journal. All of these entries are verbatim from my journal I kept regularly as a contestant on Beauty and the Geek 2. They are my thoughts at the time during the taping, and thus might have changed since then. I tried to be as objective as possible and to give insight into my experience and impressions.
The show filmed from Oct 10-Nov 4. The entries were dated to let you know when they were written; I tried to keep up with them though some are weekly recaps of everything simply due to the lack of time. My asides and comments will be in red to differentiate from the journal entries themselves. [Missing words or things will be in brackets.] I hope you enjoy this and find it beneficial.
Day 2, 10/11/05
First, we were told the producers did not predetermine the girl/guy pairs. From speaking to the girls, this was true. However, I don’t think the producers could have done a better job matching if they tried. There’s one team with two Ty’s on it and others with early love interest. With respect to myself, I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. She’s so awesome in many respects, some of which she doesn’t even know yet.
The next page is all information about Brittany that I wanted to remember, but out of respect for her, I will not include it.
Ok, onto my analysis of the other contestants. It is clear to me that 2 of the contestants are imposters. They’ve done everything they can to hide it and try to fit in, but the acting is just way too bad. I imagine they figured geeky guys and supposedly ditzy girls would overlook or not use common sense, but I feel I might be the only one to really be ready to point the finger. I have been around a lot of people and seen a lot of bad acting, and there is nothing I am more certain about than their bad acting (I didn’t include names here, but one guy and one girl stood out to me). Here’s some examples: calls a guy a Mexican when clearly he’s not; though on the reshoot, says it again. Bad acting. Or how about the girl that won’t admit her college or intimate details of her life, yet there is 0 reason not to.
The rest of the contestants seem really nice and friendly, though the competitive edge is starting to show through. How do I know? Watch them around the girls; find out who plays or played sports growing up; see the look in their eye that they don’t want to leave. So the strategy at this point is to keep a low profile, be friendly but listen, and outwork everyone on the show. I’m already up at 6:15 am after everyone was up late drinking. I sipped on a coke and tequila, which was probably the best thing because I dislike tequila, coke and wine (which were the only alcoholic offerings). I hear the birds chirping and I love it. Some of the cools things about the house are the vintage vibe, yet the fridge is nicer than my one at home. No dishwasher, so I did the dishes by hand for everyone today. I can imagine right now that the camera is focused on me in the kitchen with the subtext that I’m working out an evil plot. I wish that were the case but unfortunately I [am] just jotting down those notes so I don’t forget. It’s kind of a chilly day so far, but I’m sure things will heat up.
7:20 am: After doing the dishes for the last however long, I feel a lot better. I’m thinking about enjoying the sunrise and doing some stretching, though I don’t know if the outside if off limits. If I were smart, I’d do some laps [in the pool]. By then people should be waking up so I shouldn’t be too loud. The food so far has been great; hot tub works; most girls here have boyfriends; life is good.
10/16/05 Sunday of Week 1
I haven’t had much of a chance to write in here because things have been quite busy. Let me catch you up to speed.
Day 1 recap:
Monday, we spent most of the day getting to know everyone and doing a lot of ‘staged’ activities for the show. The first couple days are always like that because they need promo shots and such. I think I definitely kept an open mind, but I was certain at that point that two people seemed different: Josh and Jennipher. I thought maybe they were actors because of how weird and even unnatural things they said and did were. E.g. Josh not telling where he got his clothes from, some of which were definitely name brand; also repeating certain things for each take whereas others would mix it up a bit [and be natural and spontaneous each take]. Jennipher wouldn’t say where she went to college and she highlighted the black-white thing too often, like when she kept saying she couldn’t find the crackers [in the pantry].
By this point though, things were very different from the initial introduction to the beauties. I remember walking out there on day 1 and being speechless even though only 2 girls were left. I made a quick joke about both coming with me and then proceeded to stumble through my life achievements. I was stunned by their looks then and still am as I write this. I think the most remarkable part is that they’re in such good shape and take such good care of their bodies. I’m an ‘ab’ guy and was definitely not disappointed. After thinking Josh was a little unusual and somewhat morbid and asking the producer is he acting, next thing I know is…
Day 2 Recap:
Chris starts to show another side none of us knew about. In the first challenge, we answered questions to see if the winner would switch teams. Chris got all 8 questions right without his partner Amanda’s (who is maybe one of the hottest girls I’ve ever seen) help. The way in which he did it and later acted in a self-called meeting showed his truly competitive and aggressive side. I think I have one too, but I can control it and hide it on demand. For me though, learning trumps competition, at least for now. So day 2 gave me a chance to really understand the other contestants, but especially my own partner Brittany ([called] B from now on).
Day 3 recap:
We found out about our challenge today. [I erased the challenge and don’t include the winners because I figured it’d be bad etiquette to put the challenges and winners in the journal in case someone got a hold of it]. After turning to B, we realized these were both strengths for us. Bottom line, B and I performed really well, enough for probably 2nd or 3rd place in each competition, which was the best possible result. If you win, you’re the ass and if you lay low at first, you make it further. The fact that B is so nice and friendly with everyone means we’ll last longer as well. At this point, I feel confident we could win, though everything is a crap shoot, especially based on how the elimination works. I think if I got picked, I’d send the people who are complaining about missing their boyfriend’s. It’s a stupid strategy, but has the advantage of not making us look bad. Otherwise, I’d just let B pick which groups she’s least friends with.
Day 4/5 recap:
The competition went well. I’m sure that’ll be the main focus of the show. After watching episode one [of beauty and the geek 1 on Tyson’s laptop], there’s very little character development. [The producers later took away our laptops and told Tyson not to show us the other episodes, which was a handicap for me and others who hadn’t seen the first season; guess I should have prepared better]. I think if the producers were smart, they’d dedicate most or all of an episode to developing character so that people can feel how we did about losing people and how the game should be played. We’ve already had runins with the producers and let them know that we’re all friends and we refuse to sell our reps or experience for the winning prize because frankly it’s not worth it. All of us are good friends by this point, sharing stories, talking about the opposite sex and dating strategies. There’s no reason for anyone to really be an ass because it wouldn’t be productive or conducive to learning or winning. The honesty here is amazing.
So after the elimination, we find out [Amanda] and [Brandon] are going home. Here’s my thoughts. Whoever ends up with [Amanda] will be one of the luckiest guys in the world. I remember patting her ass cause she had something on it and being like, damn, asses don’t get better than that. The highlight of my stay here thus far and of the toga party we threw was when she and I did confessionals together. I don’t think things got funnier than that. She was so amazing, sitting on my lap interviewing me with some pencil she found. I was a little tipsy so I don’t remember everything, just a lot of laughing and general good times. [Brandon] was maybe the most patient and understanding guy here; also my chess partner and go to guy. He will be missed; I don’t think he had enough time to change, though he did start wearing a belt thanks to me.
Weekend recap:
Having lost two people sucked, but [having] no real goodbyes made it worse. The girls cried a little and I was close, but in the end we all pulled through and began bonding even more. I began learning a lot more about the other people, especially Sarah, B and Cher and the guys. I feel like it’s my obligation to get to know everyone well and to really be genuine with them (thanks roomie (this is a reference to my now roommate josh and his advice before going on the show)). I try to make my rounds and pitch in when I can. I made two big lasagnas for dinner last night. They were completely finished and very well liked, so that was nice. We watched some movies, some of which the girls got and others which made no sense. I love a girl that can laugh and appreciate good humor; I’m not sure that girl is here.
At this point, I decided to spend a page doing a adjective associate game with all other 15 people; I tried not to repeat adjectives for people. This was just currently how I felt after the end of the first week and do not reflect how I currently feel, but I thought you might find this interesting, as we were all trying to feel each other out at this point.
Name Association Game (note: all girls hot as hell assumed here)
Girls:
Cher: negative, flirtatious, pessimistic, tease, smart, eloquent, easily irritates, possibly liar.
Jennipher: blunt, hard to please, see things in black/white
Sarah: laugher, sexual, risky, carefree, friendly
Danielle: initially cocky but later easily approachable, used to getting things, bold, forward
Thais: reserved, cautious, conservative, assistive
Tristin: one of the guys, courteous, useful, honest, trustworthy, easy going, would make a good wife
Amanda: chill, down to earth, complete package, sensible, comfortable, hopefully longterm friend
Guys:
Brandon: patient, understanding, helpful, willing to change
Chris: competitive, aggressive, strong willed, idealist (refers to our conversation about girls and dating)
Wes: outspoken, hilarious, sleeper, good guy
Karl: confused, passive, uncertain, good listener
Josh: he’s all over the place but coming around nicely, was pessimistic and weird and negative but now he’s social, experimental, supportive, changed
Tyson: well spoken, huge heart, didactic, concerned
Ankur: louder, obnoxious, indiscrete, repetitive, personable
I left out Brittany because the next couple pages are about her. First day running away; first interaction at stairs; sleeping in same room
Brit’s Page:
I couldn’t have asked for a better partner, both to win the game and in learning. At first, I was kind of keen on winning this here little game. But after seeing how random elimination and picking are, I’ve decided to create a game inside this game. Some might call it pursuing B, others might call it learning about girls, but I call it helping B see the world. She’s like a naïve ball of clay in some respects, having had no brothers, a dad often gone for work and having a house full of sorority girls on which to rely. I am certain even after a month she wouldn’t let things progress though I am confident that I can get her to see the world and guys differently, namely for the things you can control.
Would I date B? Yes. Would it work out in the end? Probably not. She has so much to learn about guys, her family is pretty Catholic, though she doesn’t like going she said. Moreover, she doesn’t really know what she wants. I guess that’s where I come in. When asked in a room full of people what she’s looking for “in” (keyword ‘in’) a guy, she stuttered and finally responded 6’ 3”. C’mon, you want a tally guy, yet you don’t have a single requirement for personality? Furthermore, 6’ 3” is not something a guy can control and it limits what kind of guys you can get cause taller guys tend to be asses cause they get naïve, insecure girls like B. It’s a sad state of affairs. So hopefully we’ll get some more time to bond because I love so many aspects of her person, like her ability to tell me to stop or her willingness to try things or that shy/friendly look in her eye that says approach, but slowly.
Let’s talk about the interaction between B and I. I started on the wrong foot by coming up w/ theories about the other contestants. She probably thought I was crazy. I just wanted to protect her from getting hurt, in case they weren’t real or genuine people. And the fact that I had two crazy theories makes me seem even more stupid. But it was just protection against people fooling us. It showed I observe people, but maybe that I’m too out there. I just keep thinking, how would my bandmate Dan play the game, because he sees things very different than I do. He’s more paranoid and skeptical. I just wanted to keep the game in front of me at all times because winning could be a really good thing. But I digress, back to B.
So I don’t think there’s a chemistry between B and I, though sometimes I wish there was. For a lot of the show, we are required to stand close to our partners or to work closely. After initially asking if my hand around her was too much, which she replied was fine, she later told me otherwise. She was worried that no one else was showing much affection and she didn’t want to look like the physical trendsetter, who is now clearly Cher, but that’s for another page. So after the toga party when sitting down to talk, she made it clear that I was not to be so tactile (which to me is really nothing), which says to me, not interested, scared and self-conscious.
Here’s the sad thing. I know one little moment, one little kiss, one little flash of chemistry could change her life in so many ways. People love to see an underdog win. I’m that underdog. People relate to me; I’m always getting that I remind someone of a friend or ex or something. Further, I’m that short, stout guy at the bar who is passive and underachieving. I think that’s one of the reasons I did this show. Put simply, she could be famous if we went beyond friends. We’d be doing post show interviews and would make a cute couple. I know because the photos we shot for the WB were just awesome. I don’t know if that’s what she wants though. She’s a pretty simple, yet surprisingly smart girl. Her image and chastity are much more important to her I think. Summarizing: One kiss would change both our lives in so many ways for the better, though I wouldn't do anything to make her uncomfortable.
10/23 Sunday after Week 2
It’s somewhat difficult to find time or energy to write during the week because we’re doing confessionals and interviews almost every day. A lot of my thoughts come out then, most of which they probably won’t use. I feel like I put a philosophical spin on everything, which makes my answer too long and meandering. They’d be good thoughts for the final episode. I feel like I’ve gone about my business very well. People really like B and I, because she’s so sweet and I am friendly. We are getting a little house sick, but we’ll pull through. WE thought we’d be able to leave more than we do. And when we request stuff, it usually doesn’t happen or takes 5 requests or takes a week. Only the choice of food happens when we ask. But things are still good.
Recapping the week.
Monday was the start of the 2nd week. We found out our challenge was going to be [room design and computers]. I was already knowledgeable in that and B was good at hers too. So that’s 2/2 with challenge preknowledge. People predicted I would win this challenge. They were right; it was close but I won. I made the mistake of too much chocolate, but still pulled through. B did very well on her challenge as well, but didn’t win. I was proud of her anyhow. With winning came the horrible power of sending someone potentially home. This part of the game has really been a sticking point because how can people transform if they’ve gotten booted. Besides, I think transform indicates that it’s not already inside you to develop, which is untrue. External motivation merely prompts or recorders the internal wiring to adjust aspects of you that are not as strong as others. As far as making progress, I see Josh making the most, followed by B and then Chris. Chris quickly learned that being competitive and aggressive gets you nowhere. Josh came in the most sarcastic and skeptical and has really made improvements in all respects: more social and friendly and cooperative. B is really opening up and learning that guys aren’t this evil thing trying to always sleep with you, but can be very helpful and seek out friendship as well. I try to make that clear to her semi-regularly, so she feels comfortable talking to me.
So on Weds, one team went home [Ty squared]. This team was real sweet and caring people and prepared as well as they could. The girl helped me make lasagna last weekend and the guy taught me something I thought seemed impossible to learn. In a way, they knew they were going home and prepared accordingly, giving some great final words and really putting things in perspective. It sucks that we played a part in their departure, but I also think they understood our decision. There were other teams we easily could have picked, but we wanted to pick someone at their best, not worst. It’s rough to expose someone at their worst because the show is already going to do that.
After the elimination, B and I moved into the loser’s room because it was much larger and nicer. I was happy in the old one because you could keep a low profile [because it was off to the side and tiny], but now we need to befriend people even more. I feel like everyone is friends, though I really relate to Wes and Karl the best. I like that Chris laughs at my jokes and has developed his own sense of humor loosely based on my own. The amazing thing is how us guys are always funny and trying to instigate fun things and all are so friendly even with money on the line. I think the producers didn’t expect that, that winning a challenge is losing a friend. We hope to use the winnings to maybe start a movie or do something cool together because it’s not even enough to change someone’s life really.
I really hope the friendship and bonding come through in the episodes because that has been our angle the whole time here. No one thought in this short time that we’d grow so close. I laugh at people on tv who do, but it’s amazing how we have. We haven’t really had any falling outs except for last Friday. Thurs we got makeovers. B told them how to spruce me up and pick out an outfit. She did so awesome. I couldn’t believe all the things she wanted done or even that she noticed them on me. I thought it was so cool that she actually thought about what to fix on me. And I think she was right!
Throughout the week, B and I have had some conversation before bed and even throughout the day, she’ll point out things like goofing around when we’re supposed to be quiet is immature, joking too much is a turnoff, enthusiasm is key to showing you’re listening, don’t tail off before someone is done talking and that my jokes are funnier w/ short hair. It goes to prove the famous point that good looking people can do very little wrong. Jokes are funnier, flirting is not sexual harassment and you can get what you want easier. Discussing our conversations again, I feel like I’ve helped B as well. She wasn’t comfortable around guys, let alone sleeping near one. I think I’ve made her transition into talking to guys much easier, at least I hope so.
Some of the topics we’ve discussed are her reservedness (shyness), her inexperience with guys, her relationship with her family and how that might affect dating, her willingness to learn and listen, her feelings on the other people here, my feelings on the other girls here, our thoughts on picking a team to potentially go home, etc. I think the most interesting stuff is her innocence and lack of exposure. She wants to work at a bar when she goes back home. I think it’s a bad idea because she’ll see the worst in people. And right now she sees so much potential and optimism in people. I could see her getting really hurt from some jerk guy because she doesn’t know what she wants and thinks some hot guy is it. Hopefully, she finds someone patient and caring like me, so that she is treated with the dignity and respect she deserves. She wants to be a soap star. She has the look, but I think she doesn’t have the cut throat attitude that permeates Hollywood. Then again, if she didn’t become a bitch after joining a sorority, maybe she’ll be ok. I know so many nice girls that change for the worst when couped up in a house full of girls. I imagine having sisters and a supportive family helped guard against that type of thing though. There’s nothing I enjoy here more than my chat’s with B. I feel like each time we both come away better people. It’s like having a gf but w/o all the physical stuff and emotional drama. I personally try to incorporate what she says into my life. I’ve never had the luxury of a hot girl telling me what bothers her and probably other girls as well. My rep here is that I’m the funniest one of the guys, thanks to Jen declaring it. And if Jen says it, the other girls start believing it too. I don’t feel like I’m trying too hard or that I’m forcing things; I feel that I can truly be myself here, which I was worried about when I signed up. Last night (sat), we made chicken parmesan. It was so amazing. Maybe it was the Miller lites I consumed beforehand, but I think we have a future in cooking. I was kind of hoping one challenge would be cooking. On a side note, I found out why they don’t have smart guys on tv often. 1) they’re smart and can always think of better ways to do something 2) they figure out the challenges before it’s going to happen 3) they care less about material things and more about learning and growing 4) they make jokes and references often over the layman’s head. I am glad they finally do have a show for smart guys. My only regret is that there really isn’t chemistry between anyone, sexual chemistry that is. I think part of it is that no one wants to be the first of the group to be accused of dating a geek or that they have bf’s. This is not a dating show, but you’d think with people trapped in a house, anything can happen.
Flashing back a little, a 2nd elimination occurred on Friday. It was very upsetting to everyone because one of the best people in the house was sent home. I think last elimination was about teamwork. The teams that worked the least together were sent home. The consensus was that one team prevail (Ty and Tyson) and they unfortunately did not. I think everyone would be happy not winning so long as one person here (cher) did not win, a person who claimed she’s not going to be any different upon going home. A couple other things: had a fun cake bet last night. Finally had some booze, well needed and deserved. Excited about White Sox. Glad to talk to Josh [my roommate in Chicago]. Thanks buddy for your help. I think I’ll make you proud. (My buddy Josh is a good influence in my life. I only lived with him one and half weeks before the show but he has really helped me hone my social and dating skills since the show. I highly recommend surrounding yourself by successful people, which leads me to my next section of the journal.)
My partner Brittany and the rest of the people on the show were critical to my development and learning. However, I found that it’s important to surround yourself not only with the opposite sex and other geeks in similar situations, but successful people as well. So while on the show, I sought out one of the production assistants named Ryan. I got to talking to him maybe during the speed dating challenge? Either way, he was a well built smooth talking guy. I could tell by the way he carried himself. So I begged the producers to let him physically train me each morning because he used to be a body builder. I was waking up at 7 am every morning to do confessional and then swim laps and run a couple miles. There was a period where I would work out with Tristin and Chris, but they got eliminated which meant finding new resources. So finally the producers let me meet with Ryan for physical sessions… what they didn’t know is that he was helping me with mental training as well. Below are some of the physical and mental things we discussed. Hopefully he doesn’t get upset at me for revealing some of his secrets, but I think they’re very helpful. Here you go!
Journal Interlude to recap today’s lesson w/ the trainer Ryan
I requested to have one of the crew members help with physical and mental training. (The producers laughed at me when I asked for him in particular.) Here’s some of his ideas for me physically:
1) use an exercise bike for cardio
2) strengthen core w/ abs and back exercise
3) eat 5 small meals a day
4) walking heal to toe
5) standing w/ arms at side
6) breathing into the muscle
7) hold the last one
8) feel the muscle
9) no more than 10 lb weights
10) cardio key for me
While the physical is important, it’s really about the mental that’s also helpful:
1) Smile as much as possible, you can get away with more
2) Be confident; tell yourself and practice good posture; don’t worry about failing
3) Don’t always look directly into eyes
4) Contact, like hand on shoulder
5) You make your own breaks; it takes dedication and commitment
6) No more “I’m sorries”
7) Don’t be so easy/available
Sunday, 10/30, Week recap
This week was probably the longest but one of the most enjoyable. We woke up early Mon to find out our next challenge, which meant we were all going to a different location for 3 days. It was my first time to said location [vegas], so it was very exciting. We had 15 min to pack and very little idea about what the trip would entail. The whole bus ride there, I taught the girls poker, breaking only for a southpark episode or two, one of which included the maury povich show boy with balls on chin episode, a personal favorite. That Sunday night previous, I had hurt my heel jumping from landing to landing to get away from the whipping of [Ankur’s] wet towel.
So my mobility was and somewhat is still limited. I probably need to see a doctor, but I don’t really want to. I think its just a stress fracture, but not sure. Anyhow, we arrive at the hotel. We ran upstairs to enjoy the offerings and have a couple festive shots. I did oatmeal cookie shots noting that they go down much easier than the tequila everyone else was drinking. This meant however that I was in for a long night of babysitting, especially since B was putting drinks back fast. So after a bunch of drinks, we made it up to the nightclub where shit hit the proverbial fan. Everyone was drinking and dancing and having a great time. I got to sit in with the live band for 1 song, smooth by Santana, so that was quite a treat. Everyone was dancing while I drummed. It felt good to play live again. Then things started to get out of hand, mostly due to one girl being out of hand. She had been flirting with the ENTIRE crew since day 1, and now she found herself grinding on a dancefloor with all the crew. This inspired even the 47 yr old camera guy to become a sleeze, dancing with girls in inappropriate ways. All the big wigs were there or around and could have easily preempted this situation had they spoken to certain people individually and not as a group, because this one girl doesn’t get it. [I left the name out here but some deductive reasoning could determine said girl].
That night closed with room service, champaign in Wes and Sarah’s room and a waterless, bathtub makeout session with wes and cher (Their story differs, but it’s really moot at this point). I didn’t tell people about it because it wasn’t my business, but it did get leaked. They had hooked up the 2 previous nights as well (back in the house that is. They were part of the late night crew, which also included Ankur. I tried to say up with them, but was often too tired from working out early in the mornings). Gotta love alcohol. I had already put B to sleep cause she was wasted. Couldn’t even open her suitcase. Like the good friend I am, I made she drank water and was on her side before I left. Most guys would have or did take advantage of the situation, but I didn’t. The one thing I noticed about the situation is that she took a liking to both Wes and Karl on the dance floor. I really had no idea how she felt about the guys here. I probably should have inquired earlier, especially since she asked me what I thought about all the different girls. It didn’t really matter as B and I are just friends. I’m not quire sure how to write about the situation because there’s still some show left and we’re so close to winning. Basically, I wanted to be friends from the get go; I told her that. She’s taken to that as well. I don’t really see her and I talking much after the show unless I’m hanging out w/ other contestants. I plan on being good friends w/ karl and Amanda and then maybe Danielle and hopefully long distance with sarah and wes. The latters are probably my 2 fav people here. Anyhow, I like everything about B’s looks and smart, but there’s just something missing there that’s just too much work for me to do. She reminds me a lot of where I was freshman year of high school. Luckily I pulled out of it, but most don’t. I had to work really hard at what I would call common sense, because frankly I just hadn’t. My grades suffered and I slept much less, but I’m glad I did it. I feel like the only thing missing in me now is assertiveness/aggressiveness. I need to start trying more and less being nice. On TV, you don’t want to be a dick cause it’s timeless, but in real life, being as verbally prude as I am physically would work well. Anyhow, that was Monday night. The highlight being either drumming or sarah telling me that if she didn’t have a bf, that she’d be all over me.
Sarah’s page
So I’ve made it a point to get to know everyone, but somehow I decided to take sarah under my win. I really liked that she smiled and laughed a lot and was easily approachable. Oh ya, and she’s hot as hell. Besides maybe Amanda, she was the prettiest one here. B is hot too, but it’s really personality that does it for me. So Sarah tells me intoxicatedly (new word) that only her bf of two hears is keeping us apart. Could be just playing nice, but I am good with boundaries and would not want someone to do that to me. She reminds me a lot of my bandmate’s mom in a lot of ways.
So Monday was crazy but Tuesday was fun. After a long day of challenges, we started drinking in the hotel yet again. We were wanting to leave the hotel but couldn’t but then casting changed their mids and we went to the MGM to a club. We couldn’t get in cause B misplaced her ID. But it was still fun cause the whole way Sarah and I were holding hand and frolicking. I gave her a piggyback ride at one point all in good ole fashion fun. We left that place and headed back. I had to keep an eye on B as a good person and cause I didn’t want her to miss out on stuff. When we got back to our hotel, after yet more drinks, Sarah remembered she had to get something for her bf. The funny thing is that she had 3 things picked out for herself before even she looked for her bf’s gift. One of the highlights was Sarah trying on basically panties in the store [the were short shorts]. I had to fend off the sales lady and convince her Sarah was not a hooker, because what was a girl like that doing w/ me. Don’t know. Haha. Anyhow, we went back to the club [in our hotel], did a little dancing and drinking and flirting. B and Karl were hanging out which was cool. Karl is a really good guy. He’s just very passive. Night ended with Sarah flashing her new underoos 3x before security made it clear she had to leave. That ended our stay in said location basically. We left early the next morning. I enjoyed it a lot, thanks mostly to Sarah, but could have had more fun had we not been confined to the hotel.
Weds recap (Back to regular writing)
The finale of the trip also meant sending two friends home, people with which I was particularly close. I imagine I’ll see them soon as we live near each other. This week had some good conversations about race issues, look for in bf/gf, beauty definition in Sarah and Wes’s room. By the hot tub we talked about dating and exs and the like. It’s too bad it wasn’t on camera really, but it was still very fun. I really enjoy the talks I have with B before we go to sleep. To some extent, it’s become habit forming, which I think is more due to me making the effort. Yet I’m usually the one to doze off first. We talk about the other teams, strategy and our own issues. If it weren’t for those talks, I’d have not enjoyed my time here nearly as much. AS has been stated, one of my goals is to get B comfortable talking to guys.
As more and more people are sent home, the dynamic of the whole group keeps changing. Each elimination has been hard, but the last couple have really gotten to me. I’m not going to ramble too long on this, but I’m kind of upset that they cast Cher. She’s just as smart as the geeks and is not learning from the experience. Hopefully they air my confessional cause I just rip into her, which is somewhat out of character, but vodka and rum will do that to you. I don’t see any way the producers can stop her from winning, since she knows most the answer before studying. I don’t think anyone wants Cher to win, including the producers but I don’t see how they can stop her. The worst part is now the game transitioned into a game and not just hanging out with friends.
I feel the least connection with the remaining teams. B is starting to get slightly annoyed with me but it’s really just that we’re spending so much time together. I’ve learned to not let little stuff pester me so much, but it’s inevitable even hanging with my best friends back home. As I write, the weather is absolutely amazing. I spent time today and yesterday laying out, which is completely out of character [for me]. So Friday was an amazing challenge. We did something that we wouldn’t normally do. And then the girls challenge was supposedly humiliating, but the point was that that’s how guys often feel. Turns out girls are very similar to guys if not more self-conscious. This weekend has been restful, though we’ll be going out on the town for the 1st time without cameras. I’m really hoping to do some cool things like shopping, eating well and hitting a club to try out my new skills. I’ve never been one to leverage my own self but tonight I might try and see how it goes. I’m wearing some nice clothes and feeling good. The fact that we’ll have hot girls with us will help too. What sucks is that I don’t have a wingman or the like, because the remaining guys are very inexperienced [it seems]. Maybe that will make me look better. At this point, I just want to try. It’s devil’s night (night before Halloween) so hopefully people will be out.
Switching topics, the last two people sent home were my closest friends here. It really hurt to see them go. I imagine we’ll stay in touch. The guy [wes] always stuck up for what he believed and brought out the best in me. The girl [sarah] was so amazing. We had one date; I enjoyed every minute of it. I feel like all that’s left to do is win. Sucks.
11/5/05 Final Recap
This final recap could be very long or very short. I’m amazing vulnerable right now. I’m on the plane flying home listening to Muse [absolution cd]. I just want to scream. This last week was so crazy. It’s so hard to put into words. With now fewer and fewer people here and most my friends gone and everyone pushing for win made it so much more stressful. I just want to tell everyone on the plane about everything but I can’t and won’t. I’m an honest and open person so keeping this in is that much harder. Let me recap. I really hope my writing won’t be different because B has read my journal, some aloud on camera. That was last Thursday. At one point, she asked to and I thought I’d wait til after the show, but since I thought it would help I let her read it. I’m glad I did.
As the Muse pounds into my ears, I’m already feeling better. I was really missing music in the house. I think I only lied once in the house. I told Cher and B that I wasn’t sexually frustrated, but come to think of it, I probably am. I feel even awkward talking about this but with cams and mics everywhere, I felt a little uncomfortable and the fact that the show specifically was not a dating show made it harder. Half the girls had bfs, some girls didn’t interest me, which really only left B for potential relationship. But I felt that the friendship was so much more important for her development. I don’t think I said a single bad thing about her the entire show. She could do no wrong. On the final interview, I said we had basically love w/o the physical stuff. The fact that she said after reading my journal that we’d hang out after the show and even holding her hand ice skating was amazing.
The thing with B is that she goes after the unavailable guys and I’m too available. That’s going to change though. I know I can find a great girl. I also think now if B and I were to date, it could work out in the end, so maybe I lied earlier in the journal. I love Muse. I wish every time I was shown on TV, Muse would play. But I digress. Let me do a quick recap of the week before I forget. Monday we got our final challenges, which were kinda vague. They got tired of us guessing the challenges. But we did the challenge on Tues. The house was really quiet and kinda unfun, but we made the best of it. The challenge was so f%*$ing close. My heart was pumping more than any other time on the show. I wanted to win so badly. It was heartbreaking. It also meant going to the elimination room for the 1st time.
All I can say is that B is awesome. She studies so hard and puts in so much effort. We’re not supposed to give anything away, but clearly there’s more to write about still. This week with the potential of going home and such, it was really a chance for us to expose Cher and to get to know each other more and more. B and I began talking about sexual stuff one night; she saw I wasn’t nearly as much of a perv when the 3 guys from the control room came up to chat, now on a regular basis. 3 of my favs, Brad, Sam and Kevin. So they started the topic, so B and I felt a little more comfortable talking about it. I tried to tell her that I wanted to be overnice on the show because that is something they could never take away. If I was an ass, I could have gotten more [face time], but I didn’t want to be known for that. Josh [my roomie] told me to be genuine, be nice and be myself. The best advice I could have gotten. I could have played their f*&%ing game, but I didn’t. I came to learn and love, and maybe I loved and lost, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. So Thurs was a chill day. B and I studied each other so much, layed out, drank alcoholic drinks (pina colada’s and corona’s) and just savored te last 2 days in the mansion. I think at this point and after B reading my journal, we knew each other so well that it was like we were dating. I can’t say enough how glad I was that she was my partner. I thought about kissing her thurs night as we layed in Jen’s old bed. We had a few drinks and she gave me some signs, but I didn’t want to guess wrong.
So Thurs ended and on came Friday, the final day. This day was like no other. I couldn’t sleep the night before, cause there was so much to think about. I was up around 6 am, just like the first day in the house. Ryan’s 7 am training had ended on Weds, since we were busy and he got cut early from the show. His last couple of lessons were really helpful. Not only did he bust my ass working out, but he let me know what I needed to do to get girls. I kinda always knew, but now I know. To be the part, you have to look it, feel it and be it. [His theory:] There’s 4 things to use as leverage for girls: 1) looks and look 2) finances 3) personality and humor 4) well endowed.
While I see that some of those might find me the wrong kind of girl, at least I’d be meeting and maybe getting with girls, so to speak. I know I am not bad looking, but there are clearly thing I can do to benefit me. As for finance and personality, those are my strengths. And since the latter is not a weakness, I should be in good shape. I know what I have to do to meet girls. It’s sad but before I left, I met some, only to have to leave to be on the show. That’s why I’m most excited to go back home [or at least justify leaving]. That and my amazing friends. There’s so much I want to accomplish. I just went through my stuff. I’m going to frame B’s picture of Minnie we did on Thurs. Who would have thought drawing cartoon characters could have been so much fun? I can’t even like eat or drink now. I’m so exhausted from the last day. I can’t even describe it fully. The morning involved B and I going on date’s together. I’m glad we called them dates because any other term would have been cheesy. I took her to the beach to play chess, my favorite thing to do in the whole world. And the fact that she cared and took to it made me so happy. My ex almost ruined it for me, made me walk past sometimes without playing. But maybe because B was on the show or thought we could be quizzed on it, she really picked it up and participated. After chess came her date, ice skating. She teased me about playing hockey but soon admitted we’d be figure skating. We talked about it the 1st day but I was still surprised and delighted. I hadn’t skated in a long time and she was amazing. Doing stuff I never dreamed of doing on ice [not like that you pervert]. The best part was holding her hand skating around the rink. I wanted it to last forever, but we had to head back for the final elimination.
At this point, I was just exhausted and we still had to beat the final team. I don’t want to talk about the elimination here really. Other than that, it was grueling. In the end I wanted to just split the money and be done. Or give the money to the girls. I didn’t care. It was never about the $ for me. Thankfully, I’m financially stable and make good decisions. B comes from a well to do family as well. In some ways, maybe other people did need the money more. The thing I’m glad about is that I didn’t sell out for the money. I was true to myself and B and that in the end, playing the game right will probably mean an even better pay day. B is amazing in front of a camera and I feel like maybe I have some talent as well. I’m sure we’ll get some offers to do stuff; I might just try it. Fast forwarding after the elimination, having not eaten, slept or taken my contacts out, I was actually doing ok. I wasn’t shocked. I wasn’t angry or happy. I was just thankful. So I was doing fine until one of the casting people whispered to me: you deserved to win. And then a sound guy came over to add his support. It was clear that everyone was on our side [from the audio, to the video, to the host, to the producers, to the casting people to the other cast members]. That’s what got me. Each team as they left was rooting for us and wanted us to win. That’s what made me ball like a school girl. I just lost it. I’m even tearing up as I write this. We had everyone on our side, rooting for us and cheering. They all bought into B and I and how we approach things. It was finally the philosophical confirmation and affirmation that I’ve been looking for my whole life. All those years of theory and hypothesis, with B as my believer and companion, finally seeing that I/we do have people in our corner, rooting for us and cheering us on. That’s why I cried and that’s why I did this silly show!
The End of Beauty and the Geek
Joe Block
“I left nothing on the stage”
